The old one-two. The stop-and-start. The drop-and-run. The jab-and-twist. The riddle-me-ree.
No, not bedroom moves: I’m talking about that thing you can do with your car to scare the bejeezus out of a lesser driver behind you. It flies in the face of all road safety ethics, but if done carefully by a skilled driver on the right road, it can be just the what the doctor ordered to safety-release your road rage.
The indications for this petrolhead tonic are simple: a driver tailgating you; crowding your rear, honking his heart out and trying to get by you when there’s nothing you can do to give him room. Muahahaha. Do you really think you’re faster than me, bitch? Do you think I wouldn’t be going any faster if I could? Do I look like your momma, puttering along at 40 kph in the right lane with one hand in her cunt?
It takes more time to describe the move than to execute it. Simple: a deliberate half-second press on your brakes, followed by quick acceleration away as the car behind suddenly fills up the whole of your rearview mirror. (If you’re not careful he’ll drive straight into you, so time it well.)
Ah, the beautiful sound of squealing tyres as the hapless moron behind you is caught completely off-guard by your braking and slams his foot on his brake pedal with his heart in his mouth. Make sure he’s looking in your direction, then lift your middle finger to the centre of the car (so he can see it) and mouth the words to his reflection. Now, doesn’t that feel good?
…
Lady driving the black Swift Dzire, registration DL-2C-AK-3316, I hope you got the shock of your life on the Ridge Road this afternoon. You deserved it. Even the taxi-wallah in the lane next to me was driving better than you, and that’s really saying something in Delhi.
Moral of the story: Don’t fuck with the only TN-reg golden Zen in the Capital.
21 June 2009 at 7:48 pm |
Or you can do what my daughter does, wait until you’re at a stop light and then get out and kick the old ladies tire.
21 June 2009 at 7:55 pm |
She also tapped her brakes not thinking the guy behind her would actually hit her and when he did she was so nervous that she didn’t put her car in park when she jumped out to yell at him. The doors lock automatically when they are shut and the car is in drive. Thank God the curbs were high enough to stop the car from driving down the street with no one behind the wheel. I just wish I was there to see her chasing her car down the street and not being able to get in. That would definitely have been a Kodak moment. Classic.
21 June 2009 at 8:01 pm |
Oh dear! No damage I hope?
21 June 2009 at 8:02 pm |
Kicking a tyre sounds like a nice harmless way to vent frustration!
21 June 2009 at 9:45 pm |
…or get yourself killed.
21 June 2009 at 10:09 pm |
Shit I love you. That’s awesome. I like one-ups in the midst of traffic.
22 June 2009 at 10:51 am |
Twist and jab could not have been a bedroom move. You did not just try to pull that off.
And if you thought so, then well, ouch?
22 June 2009 at 4:15 pm |
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:D
22 June 2009 at 4:17 pm |
That’s what it said below the post. I didn’t make it up. (In case that wasn’t clear)
22 June 2009 at 5:54 pm |
i almost banged into a black mortuary van . The bike skid in such a way that the front wheel was parallel to the van and the remainder of the bike perpendicular and facin(in front of) the van. in all this i havnt kept my foot on the ground. The weirdest yet the best thing i have noticed so far in a bullet is that it itself does the balancing act and all u need to do is just sit on it and RIDE!
22 June 2009 at 6:51 pm |
i understand your frustration but i absolutely HATE it when you guys think you are immortal (believe me my husband is ALWAYS playing this game and just reading you write about this makes me get all irritated).
22 June 2009 at 9:33 pm |
I get that if you could’ve gone faster you would’ve, but I’ve numerous instances of men not giving way especially when they see a woman behind the wheel.
22 June 2009 at 10:17 pm |
Rumpel– I am not most men.
Kenny– Good girl. I expected more comments along these lines. Just be happy I at least know what I’m doing is wrong.
Jatti– Mortuary van??
I’m yet to ride a regular RHS-geared Bullet :(
Vidha– Clear it was! We should have “student drivers” here.
Geetika– I said jab-and-twist, not twist-and-jab. Make sense now?
AMDP– I love you too. Than?
22 June 2009 at 11:00 pm |
“I am not most men.”
I think that’s the motto of the ‘most men’ club. :)
22 June 2009 at 11:18 pm |
You’re right there, but way to piss on my parade!
22 June 2009 at 11:48 pm |
Farted all over it too, as a finishing touch.
23 June 2009 at 5:32 am |
Another trick of the trade. Let the bugger follow you until you see a slow-moving van or auto in-front of you. Speed-up, and allow him to speed-up too. And then in a sudden action change your lane and let the bugger face the van/auto at a crashing distance. Don’t forget to catch the expression in your rear-view mirror. Top it up with the sacred finger.
23 June 2009 at 6:11 am |
Oh my god. I actually close my eyes when my spouse is driving.
@capricorn1966 That sounds so scary.
23 June 2009 at 9:04 am |
Sra– I’m sure you can think of ways to tempt him to slow down?
Phoenix– Haha! One of those damn cargo autos would be perfect for that. They can’t go faster than about 20 kph.
Rumpel– That tends to happen when you’re taking a leak.
23 June 2009 at 10:17 am |
Any move with the word jab – doesn’t quite work. It brings into mind Catharine Tramell’s ice-pick.
Just sayin’.