Godbwye, Son of Star Wars

I’m letting them get to me.

Idea Cellular, my cellphone service provider (and also a company my mother holds shares in), calls me at least ten times a day with prerecorded messages of crap, trying to sell me Bollywood gaanas in some form or the other as “value-added services”, which the print media constantly bleats about as being the “next big thing” for revenue generation as urban Indian cellphone markets saturate.

Such bullshit it all is. I have no idea who throws money away on such useless things. What do I care which tune plays in my caller’s ear for the six seconds before I pick up? If I wanted to download a Hindi song, may that never happen, I’d download it from the internetz for free, not for 15 rupees onto my cellphone. I’d love to ring in 2009 nayi Honda City ya Alto mein (!?), but I’m not going to call 50404 @6.99 per minute aur jeeto talktime bhi! for the privilege. At least they have the decency to mention the sky-high call rate;  perhaps they got sued for omitting it before. If ringtones truly were muft! muft! muft! free ringtones aaj HI dostana, rab ne, oye lucky lucky oye! jaise movies se, why would you be advertising them so much?

As I’ve mentioned before, I have the usual numbers Idea calls from stored as ‘Idea Fuckers’, and I have a special ringtone for them now: Sunday Morning Call by Oasis, which has a nice sooothing beginning, designed to keep my blood pressure down when I hear it.

But every so often a telemarketer gets through from a different number, and when that happens I try my best to be civil, even when they rouse me from shallow slumber, as was the case this afternoon. This guy, Jai, spent a good five minutes explaining to me how I can get myself 9 YEARS’ validity by recharging for Rs. 299. I also get 50 bucks talktime, but that’s inconsequential.

I’ve been getting promotional messages about this for a couple of months now, and it’s something I’m actually interested in. Since validity and talktime were delinked on prepaid cellphone accounts three or four years ago, I’ve found it far more cost-effective and convenient to buy validity in large swathes, usually 6 months or 1 year at a time, and buy talktime in batches ranging from 200 to 400 rupees at a time, usually twice a month. I’m currently on the penultimate month of a year’s validity that I bought in January 2008. Operating this way removes the urgency factor– there are no time limits on when I have to recharge to keep my number operational.

9 years is a long time, though. It may as well be a lifetime. I seriously doubt I’ll be in Delhi for the next 9 years of my life. I may well move to Bombay or Madras, and Bangalore is in the running as well, although it’s far and away my last choice. Even if I get a job in Delhi next year, I’ll probably switch to a postpaid plan, because many law firms compensate their associates for their cellphone rentals (only), and it’s to your advantage to choose a postpaid plan with a very high rental and correspondingly low call and text rates. In that situation I may or may not retain my current number, which I like very much because it has four repeating digits and two consecutive ones. (Double nine double one double six double zero four three.) Further, mobile number portability is due to be introduced in Indian metros by summer 2009, which means I could switch service providers while retaining my number.

None of these options see me requiring 9 years’ validity on my Idea prepaid number.

Jai did answer some questions I had about the scheme, though. He assured me, first and foremost, that my call and text rates would remain unchanged. That worry is the reason I’ve never bought one of those “lifetime validity” packs– I have text messaging all over India for 25 paise per message, which is a great rate, and a rate you won’t find anywhere in the market today. I’ve had it for the 3 1/2 years I’ve been on Idea prepaid, because it was on offer back in 2005.  Many special validity schemes, including the lifetime validity scheme, modify your call rates as a side-effect, and I’ll be quite unhappy if I ever lose my 25p SMSes.

Jai also said that the 9 years’ validity will be counted only from 23 January 2009, when my current validity expires. I won’t lose the month I already have left. And further, today is the last day for this offer. Validity until January 2018 for the price of a pitcher of beer. It’s a tempting offer. I don’t need it, but it’s tempting nonetheless.

The problem is that I don’t believe Jai. Telemarketers have promised me the sky before, but delivered only clouds. I believe Jai when he says my call rates will remain unchanged, and I even believe they may add-on the validity rather than start it from today. But I don’t believe that today is the last day for this scheme. Nobody likes being forced into purchases; I could simply buy 1 year’s validity in Jan, like I did last year. And I’m reasonably sure this 9-year scheme will be available then too. But what if it’s not?

WILL I HAVE WASTED THE CHANCE OF A LIFETIME AND REGRET IT EVERY JANUARY FOR THE NEXT 9 YEARS?

Let’s take some time off to Flash-throw virtual size 10s at President Bush instead: http://www.sockandawe.com/ or http://bushbash.flashgressive.de/ (thanks to NC for the links).

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Godbwye: Middle English (i.e. English from Hastings/1066 – c.1470) contraction of ‘God be with ye’, and the forerunner of today’s ‘goodbye’. This is fantastically interesting: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Middle_English_language